Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
