That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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