last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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