Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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