She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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