Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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