Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
