Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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