Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
