If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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