watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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