I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
