I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
