I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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