remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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