i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
