somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
