Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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