One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
