I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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