Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
