Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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