hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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