I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
