Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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