I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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