So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Someone came in the potted fern
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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