the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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