think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
