Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I AM VODKA MAN
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
