I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
