I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My pussy is not your playground.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
