is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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