dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize