I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize