tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
