i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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