I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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