Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
