Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
