And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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