Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
how drunk are you?
Several
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
