Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
