I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
