Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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