you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize