Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
