I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
