My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
