I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
