my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
