Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
