why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
