I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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