I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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