Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
