the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
