Pants 0. Shit 1.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
