I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
