Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
