Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
