I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
