i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
