the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
