Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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