what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
