I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
