1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize