if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
