2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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