My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
