i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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