i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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